I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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