I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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