You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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