If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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