i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
