I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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