Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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