I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
