I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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