I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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