Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
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