omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
