I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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