It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
