I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
