Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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