you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm bleeding and have questions
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
