Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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