I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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