I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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