my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize