I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
