I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
