I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
