she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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