No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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