Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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