"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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