Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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