please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
