If i come over, it means nothing
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
