the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
