Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
