I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
