Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
