Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
