she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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