My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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