i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
