the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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