Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
