we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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