I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
