She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My breasts were aching with rage.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
