My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
