Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
