I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
