he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
