I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
