I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
