Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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