I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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