Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
