i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
