What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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