I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
